some times life is a bit too much

This post was originally written on 2/26/06. While it has undergone several revisions, I'm still afraid that it doesn't say exactly what I want it to say. I do not mean to offend anyone by it, but at the same time, I think there is some value to many of the things said in it. So, I'm asking that you take the words in this post with a grain of salt, and focus on the bigger pictures presented in it. While it is a slightly directed post, I believe that there is a lot in it that everyone can get something out of. Particularly the first 3 paragraphs, the websites, & the 2 paragraphs that follow the websites, are useful to everyone. The rest, while more directed is not meant to single out or anything like that. The directed bits I'm not really sure how much of that is true anymore, but it was definately true on the 26th. For those of you who don't want to read this, I'm sorry. I'll have something new posted hopefully in the next day or so, depending on how classes, & work & everything goes. Anyhow, so I'd go through, and revise it again, and start hacking out stuff, and what not all else, but I've very very tired, and it's way way past my bed time, so I'm going to spend that time sleeping instead. Once again, this is not meant to offend or single out anyone, so I'm sorry if you think it does.
Goodnight,
Elizabeth.

It seems that the times that we need the most to get everything out that those are the times that it's the most difficult to get anything out. my mind is about to explode with everything that needs to come out of it but there is no good way to launch into it. It seems that I'm trying so hard to keep in a good mood that when enough shit finally builds up to break through I just totally break down. I can think of at least two times, maybe three in the past two days that that's happened. I'm kindda tired of it & just generally exhausted. I'm more pissed off that I ever really thought I could be, that's a bit of a surprise. I'm so used to just going to sleep, and waking up and having whatever had bothered me just sort of drift away in the night. It's not like that lately. It sucks to wake up angry. It really really really really sucks to wake up angry.
You know what I really hate? I hate it when people act like stuff they do or say doesn't have consequences. Like they get away with everything. They can say to you "you're a fucking retard" and they get a smile in return - they never really see how it affects you. Then the next day you see them again, and they expect you to be normal, like nothing hurts you, like you're a statue of some sort. People have feelings. Everyone has feelings, sometimes it takes more to hurt them than othertimes. The other thing about humans is that they can put up with a lot of shit if they think it'll make things better. We can push asside our feelings for a bit, we can pretend to be superman for a few hours if it means we get paid more, if it means we get the respect we want, if we get the guy or girl of our dreams. The great thing about this is that we can get away with it. We can box off a part of ourselves, and put it on display for the rest of the world when we get into a situation that calls for that part. The bad part of that is that it slowly eats away at our entire self. All the critisism that we take, all the yelling, all the backhanded remarks, all the insults, all the 'you're not good enough's, all of them. They slowly chew away at our insides. A person who is strong can go on putting on that happy face, and pretend like nothing about it is bothering them. Chances are that if you encounter someone that takes an insult smiling they are a creature of the world theater. They are strong, and resiliant, until they get to a safe, private place, then all the words attack them again. Like burning posts, they tear them apart until there is nothing left of that individual. Anger builds up inside, and they let loose, maybe by crying, maybe by using stress balls, maybe by breaking something. My point in all of this is that they're still human. While you beat them down to an inner stability of an old & poorly trained house mutt, they may smile back at you, but they are still human, they still feel, they still hurt.
To everything thing, there is a breaking point. A point of no return a point at which enough is enough, and to take more would be to risk further damage to your self, your family, your friends, your morals, your integrity, your whatever. I don't know that I'm quite there yet, but I am very very close.
I've taken more abuse than I need, want, or can handle. I've heard far too many hypocritical statements. I've been in far too many situations than I needed to, but could get out of. I've kept my mouth shut when I wanted to scream, I've listened when I wanted to cry, and I've returned when all I wanted to do is run away. I've relied far too heavily on Richard to make things better and to fix all the problems that have been pointed out about me. And I've had enough. Richard deserves better. I deserve better. And I'm not doing it anymore. I've heard enough times that I'm not a real friend that I'm beginning to believe it, and I'm about to start acting like I'm not a friend at all. My patience is wearing thing, my stability is breaking. The more I get beaten down the more I wonder why I get back up.

I'd originally decided I would not respond to cries about my stupidity, or attacks on my morals & beliefs and the statement that none of my beliefs are backed up by any real evidence from someone who does not see the hypocracy in the statements made. At this point, however, I've decided it doesn't matter anymore.

Websites that point out the reasons that you shouldn't drink are as follows:
Information about drugs and alcohol
Society for Neuroscience
http://www.jrussellshealth.com/alcbfm.html
Alcohol Compounds Its Damage to the Brain
along with hundreds more websites.

Most of these don't include drunk driving, or riding with a drunk driver, or getting hit by a drunk driver. They don't include alcohol posioning. They don't include deaths that are the result of an angry, upset, or depressed drinker. They don't include the results of "fucking" someone as a result of being drunk. They don't include rape. Few of them include the closely related connection from social drinking to alcoholism. They don't include accidents that occur as a result of being drunk. They don't include results of slower reactions, that cause injury or death (ie - fires, inability to get out of the way of something, poor decisions that wouldn't otherwise have been made, fights, etc.) They don't include the number of arrests made as a result of intoxication.

Other factors to consider include family history & predisposition to alcoholism. Although evidence indicates that any amount of drinking is dangerous to you, and side affects of being drunk remain in your body up to 14 hours after having a 0.00 blood alcohol level, I see no real harm in an occational drink or two. It is the getting drunk that bothers me more than anything else. I don't want to do any heaving drinking; I don't think it is wise to get drunk, but that is just my opinion. People do stupid stuff when they are drunk. That's not what I want to be like. I don't want to be stupid for those 1-2 hours that I'm drunk. I want to remember what I did the night before. I want to know that I haven't slept with anyone. I want to be married to the person whose children I'm pregnant with. I don't want there to be any doubt as to who the father of my children is. While that doesn't so much matter to many guys, just imagine getting slapped with a child support bill a year from now. Or finding out in 25 years that you have a kid, who is finally coming to look for you. Realizing that there are such things as birth control these days, I know that a bunch of you don't think that'll ever happen. But when you're drunk, do you really think about putting on a condom? Maybe she's too out of it to care, and you don't realize she's not on birth control.

While I know some people don't think that anything said online is worth being read or listened to, I think that it is important for everyone to know the results of everything that they do. If you have anything not nice to say either to me, or about me, you can keep that to yourself because not only do I not want to hear it, but I also don't really care. If any of you have a problem with me, come to me about it, do not take it out on anyone else, especially not my friends. My friends are sacred to me, and I don't want to see any of them get hurt. Life is too short to be around people who doesn't respect you, or continually talks down to you, so if you plan on doing that, you may leave now.

Okay, with that all said, I'm sorry if I've offended anyone, because I didn't mean to. I've run this post in various stages by several different people to try to ensure that that wouldn't happen. I simply meant to state the facts, and maybe shine light on the shadowy areas of my way of life.

Have a good day,
Elizabeth.

I definately took home all the awards.

Botball competition is tomorrow/today. I have to be up at the Omniplex at 7 am. fun.

Anyhow, so I totally took home all the gold. I swept the tournaments. I went for the top, and succeeded.

Yeah, so that's my car, and all the awards for the tournament... nice huh? I think so. The top is through my back window, the second is my back seat (same awards as the first) & the third is my trunk. These babies aren't small. but they're no where near as tall as last year, thank goodness.

I'm Secretly Engaged, but don't know it yet!!!

Okay, well... I suppose it's time to update everyone with what's going on in this life of mine again. hmmpf. Well, let's see... work is great, love it just as much now as ever, don't know how much of that is what i actually do, and how much of that is my enjoyment of my co-workers. We decided today that we have a truck number of 0.00+/- 1 depending on which select few we're talking about. (see Brooks' Law). But yeah, so that's work, I'm about 3 weeks ahead, which is amazing for workshop season! The OK tournament is Feb. 25th at the Omniplex, you can come by and say you're there for 'Botball' and they'll let you into the Omniplex for free! (Cheap date if you need one, plus if you get bored there, you can come see the cool things that kids can make out of a couple of processors, & some LEGOs.) So... you can go to downtown OKC @ 7:30 am to be in the Minutes Too Far (great band, check out their myspace blog) music video & see their free outdoor concert (I'm so jealous, not about the music video bit, but the concert bit) then head over to the huge braum's down the street from the Omni, and then to the Omni for a near free day of fun.

School is alright, but Richard is waiting for me to watch another episode of Firefly - great tv show that FOX discontinued, so I'm gonna go do that, catch you all later.

Elizabeth.